Family Life Behind Bars and Prison Wives Girlfriends and Partners are launching a collaborative effort to reveal how incarceration affects personal relationships. This is the first of our monthly surveys to explore different aspects of how people cope with the separation emotionally, socially and financially. Some of the surveys will be lighter while others will take on more upsetting topics.

Our first survey:

When you have a big moment ahead, something you’ve been fretfully awaiting, you rehearse that second over and over in your mind.

When it finally arrives, the reality is that we often react in a way we never anticipated.

Here’s a moment you all can relate to: the moment your loved one finally walks into the house after a prison term.

What’s the first thing you will say to your loved one the moment he or she returns home after prison?

This survey will remain open until Nov. 15, 2011. We’ll then share the results with you in a way to better visualize people’s “First words.”

[See results here. No results? Then be the first to share what you will say.]

No results? Then be the first to share what you will say!

Kim waiting for a call from Cody, who is incarcerated in a Texas prison. With permission, he can make an international call to Kim for five minutes every 90 days.

What a difference a border makes.

My name is Kim and I live in Ontario, Canada and my husband is incarcerated in Texas. The Texas Department of Criminal Justice, for whatever reason, allows inmates with family living outside of the U.S. just one five-minute call every 90 days. But even for that, you need special permission.

Those inmates with family living in the United States are allowed 240 minutes per month which may soon increase to 480 minutes a month. I have to do with five minutes.

Just how much can you cram into a five-minute conversation with a loved one you haven’t heard from in months? If it is the only time you get, you take what you’re given.

I received a call in May at five in the morning. It was a caller I was not expecting to hear—my husband.

“Hey Baby,” he said.

When I heard his voice, I just started to cry. I hadn’t heard his voice in so long that I actually had to ask if it was him.

Those five minutes felt like a few seconds that flew by so fast.

Our conversation amounted to just simple things: How are the girls? How are you? I love you…but after four minutes, I was reminded of the ticking clock.

“Well, we only have one minute left so if there is anything you want to tell me you had better tell me now,” he said.

“I love you,” is all I could say through my tears and crackly voice.

“Are you alright?” he asked.

“Yes, I just miss you.”

“I miss you too and I love you and I’ll call you again in 3 months,” he said.

Unfortunately those were the last words I heard my husband say to me.

Extradited across the border

I met Cody, my 38-year-old husband, two years ago when he came to Canada on vacation. Cody, an American citizen, was a friend of my brother’s who asked to stay at my house for a few days.

We fell in love, but unfortunately trouble was not far off. Because Cody did not report to his probation officer in Texas, the authorities came looking for him and he ended up in a Canadian jail.

At first, I would wake up every Sunday at 6:00 am to drive to the detention centre where he was being held. I waited in line for 2 hours for the 9:00 am visits.

Those visits—separated by glass—lasted about 20 minutes.

Then he was deported from Canada and moved to a New York state prison. At first I had no idea where he was. I finally got a call from him and we talked every day for 15 minutes.

I also drove about 90 minutes to visit him every other weekend. These visits were an hour long and we were allowed to be physically next to each other–no glass separated us. Just the type of visit any spouse hopes for.

But once again, trouble was heading our way. He was extradited to Texas and that is when I found out that the Texas Department of Criminal Justice does not allow calls outside the U.S.

Now he’s 3,000 miles away and I can’t talk to him and I can’t visit because of the distance and the expense.

I promised him that I would not only write every single day but that I would move to Texas. I haven’t missed one day of writing (neither has he) in nearly a year, but it’s a struggle finding a good job so I can move my family to Texas.

Cody has to put in a request to the Warden asking to make a single five-minute call every 90 days. He must have a clean record inside and have made no trouble. He does exactly what is expected of him and more. During his time in TDCJ, he hasn’t even been written up for a minor case. He was recently promoted to trustee level.

Waiting for the next call

I have yet to hear from him after the last call when he told me he’d talk to me again in three months. It turns out that he was moved to a medical unit from where calls are not allowed at all.

Cody has a herniated disc in his neck and he has lost the use of this right arm and hand yet he still manages to write every day. He will, no doubt, need surgery and I can’t even talk to him about it. That makes things all the more difficult for me.

Once he is transferred to a new unit, in all likelihood, we will have to wait another 90 days to see if that unit’s warden will let him call home.  There are no guarantees.

Five minutes may seem like nothing to most people, but I would give anything to get a precious five minute call every 3 months just to hear my husband tell me that he loves me and that he’s okay.

(Kim, 42, is the mother of two daughters struggling to stay in touch with her husband.)

Share your Experience:

In words (send an email to familylifebehindbars@gmail.com)

Your Voice

Pictures

Poems

UPDATE: Listen to the recorded program here.

Hour Friend In Deed, a program that connects mentors with children who have an incarcerated parent, is on the verge of losing its financial support.

For the past five years, the program has helped children with a parent (or both parents) in prison develop positive behavior and personal identities by pairing them with mentors. While these meaningful relationships helped the kids navigate through tough times and gave them some of the social skills and confidence, the program’s funding is a victim of the punishing economic downturn. Mentoring Children of Prisoners, a program run by the Federal Administration for Children and Families, will pull its support on September 29, 2011.

Join us live on Family Life Behind Bars Radio as we speak to 15-year-old Jeremy Hosey and his mentor of the past year Ted Sangalis about how the program has benefited both of them. We’ll also speak to Jeremy’s mother, 37-year-old Joedy Aliseo about how this mentoring relationship brought stability into her and her son’s life. We’ll ask 28-year-old Ted how he found the time to mentor while studying law at Fordham University.

Kellie Phelan, the program coordinator, will also join us to discuss the next step for the program as its funding runs dry.

Join us and share your experiences as a mentee or mentor.

• Show Date: August 4

• Time: 7:00-7:30 p.m. ET
  

• To listen Live: call (626) 414-3521

• Skype in: Click on Skype symbol next to the phone number on the show page.

• To ask a question, press #1 on your dial

• Leave your thoughts and questions in the comments section below.

The director of Women Behind Bars, Amina Benalioulhaj, prepares the camera for a shoot in an Oklahoma prison. To her is an incarcerated mother and her visiting children. (Photo Credit: Sarah Warmker)

UPDATE: Listen to a recording of the show by clicking on the embedded player below:

Oklahoma’s crime rate ranks 17th nationally, about on par with the country’s average. But the state has the dubious distinction of being No. 1 for female incarceration per capita in the United States.

It’s not that Oklahoma’s women are hardened criminals. Rather, nearly 70 percent are non-violent offenders. They’ve found themselves behind bars at Oklahoma’s Correctional Facilities mostly because of drug abuse, drug dealing and prostitution (to support their habits).

A new documentary, Women Behind Bars, takes viewers inside these prisons to meet the women who are struggling with untreated addictions and other ignored issues. And there really are so many of them. The female incarceration rate in Oklahoma stands at 134 per 100,000, which is more than twice the national average of 60 per 100,000. Many of the women we meet are the heads of single parent led households, struggling to keep their houses in order despite being behind bars.

Join in LIVE as Family Life Behind Bars Radio interviews the documentary’s director, Amina Benalioulhaj, on June 29 @ 12:30 p.m. Eastern Time.

• Show Date: Wednesday, June 29

• Time: 1:30-2:00 p.m. ET
  

• To listen Live: call (626) 414-3521

• Skype in: Click on Skype symbol next to the phone number on the show page.

• To ask a question, press #1 on your dial

• Leave your thoughts and questions in the comments section below.

Watch this video for some advice from someone who’s lived through this stress: Remember, you can be there, but you can’t live someone else’s life, not even for a loved one.

A Title I resource reading and math teacher, right, works with her third grade students. Title I, which provides grants for low-income schools. (AP Photo/Seth Perlman)

The Patsy Takemoto Mink Education Foundation for Low Income Women and Children will offer 5 grants of up to $2,000 each to low income mothers who are enrolled in education and/or training programs.

Applications will be accepted from May 1, 2010 through July 15, 2010.For eligibility criteria and application materials, please see the foundation website:

http://www.patsyminkfoundation.org

If you are a child of someone who is incarcerated and you have a question for me, you have three options:

1. Post a question in the comments section below,
2. Send an email to questions@livesinfocus.org,
3. Call (646) 867-1891 to leave a message.

I also welcome questions from others who might simply be interested in knowing more about how the life of children is affected when a parent is incarcerated.

SHARE YOUR THOUGHTS: Have you turned to support groups and how did that help you through this time in your life?

[Use the comments feature below or call (646) 867-1891 to leave an audio message.]

Anthony Porter was embraced by his mother Clara as they celebrated his return home in 1999. Porter was released as prosecutors investigate another man's confession to the slayings that kept Porter on death row for 16 years. (AP Photo/Mike Fisher)

When you have a big moment ahead, something you’ve been fretfully awaiting, you rehearse that second over and over in your mind.

When it finally arrives, the reality is that we often react in a way we never anticipated.

Here’s a moment you all can relate to: the moment your loved one finally walks into the house after a prison term.

What’s the first thing you will say to your loved one the moment he or she returns home after prison?

[See results here. No results? Then be the first to share what you will say.]

No results? Then be the first to share what you will say!

After two years of enduring an incessant stream of spam at our Ning community site, we are moving to Facebook where people can actually share their thoughts, feelings and experiences without someone trying to sell them Viagra.

Within 24 hours of publicizing the Facebook group page, people have began to ask questions, post comments and really to form a sense of community.

We hope you’ll join us there to share your own experiences or expertise with the growing community.

Thanks!

Sandeep

The question comes in response to a recent post about struggling to care for a loved one in prison who is very ill.

Does anyone have advice for Elizabeth, whose husband is dying of cancer in a prison in Jacksonville, Florida? Please listen to the audio and post your comments below. I will call her and pass on all your advice. Thank you! [UPDATE: Our community columnist, Makeba Lavan, provides advice about dealing with a relative who is sick in prison in her video piece.]

(The caller’s personal identity and phone number were edited out of the message. Leave advice in the comments section and I will make sure they receive it–thanks!)

Link to mp3 (Right-click to download)